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POEMS, JOKES & SUCH - Page 2
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DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids
got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female
teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas
pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air?  And, you got trading stamps
to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels
hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to
dinner at
a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they
failed...and they did?

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to
cruise, peel out,
lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went
steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because
they
were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors
were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and
saying things like,
"That cloud looks like a ..."and playing baseball with
no adults to
help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and
hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect
stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just
once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate
that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't
because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger
threat!  
But we survived because their love was greater than
the threat.

Share this with someone who can still remember

Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone
Ranger,
The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger
and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball
games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating
Kool-Aid
powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I
remember that"?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with
a
double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere
between
old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Raymond
4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink
slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going
"eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do
Over!"?

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the
fastest?

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire
evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex
was "cooties"?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a
slingshot?

A foot of snow was a dream come true?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute
commercials
for action figures?

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was
cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a
team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike
into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable
aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have lived!!!!!!!
Share this with anyone who may need a break
from their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!
Counting Souls

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the
cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and
rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he
heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough,
he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered; “it's Satan and the Lord dividing the
souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend
he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you
won't believe what I heard!”

“Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said,
"Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the
man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the
Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.  That's all. Now let's
go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of
the boy on the bike.
The Activity Director's Office
HOME
Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives
gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay
gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber. "I'm
afraid I'm the bearer of bad
news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your
loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, very
risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the
procedure, but you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat
silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of
time, someone asked, "Well,
how much does a brain
cost?" The doctor quickly
responded, "$5,000 for a
male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some
actually smirked.  A man
unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why
is the male brain so much
more?"

The doctor smiled at the
childish innocence and
explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing
procedure. We have to mark
down the price of the female
brains, because they've
actually been used."
Do You Ever Wonder?

1. Does a clean house indicate there is a
broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color the
bubble bath
you use is, the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day when mattresses are
NOT on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with the hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave
the message 'one slice'?   How many pieces
of bread do they think
people are really gonna' try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then
reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give their vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will
open
from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into closed
light fixtures?

9. Why do we wash BATH towels?  Aren't we
clean when we use them? If not then what
was the purpose of the bath?

10. Considering all the lint you get in your
dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would
they eventually just disappear?

11. When we are in the supermarket and
someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we
say, "Its all right."?  It isn't all right, so why
don't we say,
"That hurt, you stupid idiot"?

12. Why is it that when you're walking up the
stairs and you get to the top you sometimes
think there's still one more step?
13. Why is it that whenever you attempt to
catch something that's falling off the table you
always manage to knock something else
over?
14. Is it true that the only difference between a
yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to
the road the stuff is placed?

15. In winter, why do we try to keep the house
as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

16. Why do women always ask questions that
have no
right answers?

17. Why do old men wear their pants higher
than younger men?

18. Why is it that inside every older person is
a younger person wondering what the heck
happened?

19. If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a
dog is man's best friend, who really is the
dumber sex?

20. Why are the needy only thought of during
the holidays?   Aren't they just as needy
throughout the rest of the year?

21. Why is it that men can react to broken
bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as
'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles
they are deathly ill with 'the flu' and have to be
bedridden?

22. Why do we never hear any father-in-law
jokes?

23. Why do men forget everything and women
remember everything?

24. Do Chinese people get hungry an hour
after they
eat American food?

25. Shouldn't all married men forget their
mistakes?  After all there's  no sense in two
people remembering
the same things right?

26. Is the real reason women live longer than
men
because they don't  have to live with women?

And the all time favorite question......

27.
If at first you don't succeed,
shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you
to?
Come Visit
(This was printed Sat, July 18, 1987 by Dear
Abby)

You say that you can't do anything.
Can you read? Good. Read to me.
My eyes aren't what they used to be.

Can you write? Good.
Write a letter or card for me.
My hands are shaky.

Can you sing? Good.
Help me with the words
and I'll sing along.

Can you tell me about your job?
I was a nurse once, myself.

Can you listen?
Wonderful! I'm starved for conversation.

Can you make a sponge cake or
zucchini bread or angel
biscuits or fudge?
They aren't on the nursing home menu,
but I remember how good they were
and
I would love to taste them again.

Do you play checkers or
dominoes or rummy?
Fine, so do I.
But there is never anyone who has the
time.They are understaffed
around here, you know.

Do you play the violin or the
flute or the piano?
My hearing is poor, but I can hear any
kind of music.Even if I fall asleep,
you'll know I enjoyed it.

Once we were somebody,
just like you. We were farmers,
and farmer's wives, teachers, nurses,
beauticians, stockbrokers,
electricians, bankers and sheriffs, and
maybe a few outlaws, too.

We're not all senile - just old
and needing more attention than our
families can give us.

This home, whatever its name,
is "home" to us, and you're an invited
guest.  Please come.
The welcome mat is always out -
not just on Thanksgiving.

I hope you keep this and read it again
in
January, February, and every other
month of the year.
We'll still be here and our
needs will be the same.
The Cat

A man absolutely hated his
wife's cat and decided to get
rid of him one day by driving
him 20 blocks form his home
and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the
cat was walking up the
driveway.

The next day he decided to
drive the cat 40 blocks away.  
He put the beast out and
headed home.

Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!          

He kept taking the cat further
and further and the cat would
always beat him home.  At
last he decided to drive a few
miles away, turn right, then
left, past a bridge, then right
again and another right until
he reached what he thought
was a safe distance from his
home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls
home to his wife:  "Jen, is the
cat there?"  "Yes", the wife
answers, "why do you ask?"  
Frustrated, the man
answered, "Put the damn
thing on the phone, I'm lost
and need directions!"
Wonderful Sites
for You to Visit

The Interview With God

Lightning Bugs

At the Well

A Father's Love Letter
SIGNS OF
MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system
at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of
buying a wood stove, he is using you to
heat the family room this winter. Rather
than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with
your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm
home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't
Ozzie *%@!ing Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped
out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you
four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after
every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you
take your Brownie troop on a field trip to
Chippendales
AAADD - Age
Activated
Attention Deficit
Disorder.

It has come to this. I decide to
do work on the car, start to the
garage and notice the mail on
the table. OK, I'm going to
work on the car. BUT FIRST
I'm going to go through the
mail.

Lay car keys down on desk.
After discarding the junk mail,
I notice the trash can is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my
desk. BUT FIRST I'll take the
trash out.

Since I'm going to be near the
mailbox, I'll address a few
bills. Now where is the
checkbook? Oops, there's
only one check left. Where did
I put the extra checks? BUT
FIRST I need to put the cup
back in the kitchen.

I head for the kitchen, look out
the window, notice the flowers
need a drink of water. I put the
cup on the counter and there's
my extra pair of glasses on
the kitchen counter. What are
they doing here? I'll just put
them away... BUT FIRST need
to water those plants.

I head for the door and notice
someone left the TV remote in
the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put
the remote away and water
the plants. BUT FIRST I need
to find those checks.

END OF THE DAY: Oil in car
not changed, bills still unpaid,
cup still in the sink,
checkbook still has only one
check left, lost my car keys.
And, when I try to figure out
how come nothing got done
today, I'm baffled because... I
KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is
serious. I'll get help... BUT
FIRST, I think I'll check my
e-mail.
Wonderful Words of Encouragement

The most destructive habit...........................................Worry
The greatest Joy.........................................................Giving
The greatest loss..................................Loss of  self-respect
The most satisfying work................................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.................................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource...............................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"......................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome................................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill.......................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease............................Excuses
The most powerful force in life.......................................Love
The most dangerous pariah.................................A gossiper!
The world’s most incredible computer.....................The brain
The worst thing to be without........................................ Hope
The deadliest weapon.........................................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................................Faith
The most worthless emotion......................................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire...........................................SMILES!
The most prized possession..................................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit...................................Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...so pass it along!!!   
You Are Blessed

If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than
the million who won't survive
the week.

If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of
imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million
people
around the world.

If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than
almost
three billion people in the
world.

If you have food in your
refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof
over
your head and a place to
sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this
world.

If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare
change
in a dish someplace, you are
among
the top 8% of the world's
wealthy.

If your parents are still
married and alive, you are very
rare,
especially in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a
smile
on your face and are truly
thankful,
you are blessed because the
majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's
hand,
hug them or even
touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you
can
offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than
over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at
all.

You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.
A Father's Love Letter

My Child…

You may not know me, but I know everything about you
…Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up
…Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways
…Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered
…Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image
…Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being
…Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring
…Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived
…Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation
…Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my
book
…Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you
would live
…Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made
…Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb
…Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born
…Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me
…John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression
of love
…1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you
…1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father
…1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could
…Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father
…Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand
…James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs
…Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope
…Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love
…Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the
seashore
...Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing
…Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you
…Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession
…Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul
…Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things
…Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me
…Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart
…Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires
…Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly
imagine
…Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager
…2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles
…2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you
…Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to
my heart
…Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes
…Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth
…Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus
…John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed
…John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being
…Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you
…Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins
…2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled
…2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you
…1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love
…Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me
…1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again
…Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever
seen
…Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father
…Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child?
…John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you
…Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad...Almighty God


Father's Love Letter Used by permission
Father Heart Communications
Copyright 1999-2004
www.FathersLoveLetter.com
I'M NOT OLD, I'M JUST MATURE

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase he took off 10 percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “It's the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature.
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer , can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I've slowed down a bit , not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,
Calling it blond is just about right.

My car is all paid for, not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer, get off
of the road!"

My car has no scratches, not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk
who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older ... much faster than me. T
hey seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I've got "character lines," not wrinkles, for sure, But don't call me old : just
call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain
why my walking is slow.

I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I know I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old , I'm only mature.
THE JOYS OF
BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you
are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run
into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and
ask,
"Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you
as
a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn
the hard way.

7. Things you buy now
won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4:00
p.m.

9. You enjoy hearing about
other people's operations.

10. You get into a heated
argument about pension
claims.

11. You have a party and the
neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of
speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your
stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.

14. You sing along with the
elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much
worse.

16. Your investment in health
insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.

17. Your joints are more
accurate meteorologists than
the National Weather Service.

18. Your secrets are safe with
your friends because they
can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells
is finally down to a
manageable size.

20. You can't remember
where you found this list.
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THE ACTIVITY DIRECTOR'S OFFICE
Providing Internet Resources
for Activity Professionals
in Long Term Care Settings
admin@theactivitydirectorsoffice.com

Copyright 2004-Present
The Activity Director's Office
All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer