| POEMS, JOKES & SUCH - Page 1 |
| The following poem was written by my friend Donna Swanson. It was one of the major influences in my life that made me decide to become an Activity Director. (Thanks, Donna) Minnie Remembers By Donna Swanson God, my hands are old. I've never said that out loud before but they are. I was so proud of them once. They were soft like the velvet smoothness of a firm, ripe peach. Now the softness is more like worn-out sheets or withered leaves. When did these slender, graceful hands become gnarled, shrunken claws? When, God? They lie here in my lap; naked reminders of this worn out body that has served me too well. How long has it been since someone touched me? Twenty years? Twenty years I've been a widow. Respected. Smiled at. But never touched. Never held so close that loneliness was blotted out. I remember how my mother used to hold me, God. When I was hurt in spirit or flesh, she would gather me close, stroke my silky hair, and caress my back with her warm hands. O God, I'm so lonely! I remember the first boy who ever kissed me. We were both so new at that! The taste of young lips and popcorn, the feeling inside me of mysteries to come. I remember Hank and the babies. How else can I remember them but together? For out of the fumbling, awkward attempts of new lovers came the babies. And, as they grew, so did our love. And, God, Hank didn't seem to mind if my body thickened and faded a little. He still loved it and touched it. And we didn't mind if we were no longer beautiful. And it felt so good. And the children hugged me a lot. O God, I'm lonely! God, why didn't we raise the kids to be silly and affectionate as well as dignified and proper. You see, they do their duty. They drive up in their fine cars. they come to my room to pay their respects. they chatter brightly, and reminisce. But they don't touch me. they call me Mom, or Mother or Grandma. Never Minnie. My mother called me Minnie. So did my friends. Hank called me Minnie, too. But they're gone now. And so is Minnie. Only Grandma is here. And God! She's lonely! ©1974 from MIND SONG, by Donna Swanson, 2099N 75W, Williamsport, IN 47993. May not be reproduced in any form without written consent of author. |
| Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees. 15. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. Provided by corsinet.com |
| Why am I So Tired? I am Tired, Yes, I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living. But now I found out, it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. Bummer.. And you're just sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired. Provided by corsinet.com |
| The Activity Director's Office |
| New Diet Rules 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream. 5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage. 7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. 8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. 9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa. 10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. Provided by corsinet.com |
| The Senility Prayer God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Provided by corsinet.com |
| What Do Angels Look Like? From www.omegafaith.org/angelslooklike.htm - Like the elderly person who returned the money you lost yesterday. - Like the person who told you that your eyes light up the world when you smile. - Like the person whose eyes light up whenever they see you. - Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things. - Like the homeless person who asked for money to buy something to eat. - Or the one who did not, but who just watched you as you walked by trying to ignore him. - Like the person who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe. - Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way. - Like the person who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one to touch. - God's messengers come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types. - Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without. - They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, employers, employees, co-workers, and fools. - They don't take life too seriously, they travel light. - They leave no forwarding address, they ask nothing in return. - They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, they get a deal on dry cleaning. - They are hard to find when your eyes are closed. - But they are everywhere you look, when you choose to see. |
| Then and now: 1960's vs. 2000's THEN: Long Hair NOW: Longing for hair. THEN: The perfect high. NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund. THEN: Keg. NOW: EKG. THEN: Acid Rock. NOW: Acid Reflux. THEN: Moving to California because it's cool. NOW: Moving to California because it's warm. THEN: You're growing pot. NOW: Your growing pot. THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor THEN: Seeds and stems. NOW: Roughage. THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints. NOW: Popping joints. THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel. NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity. THEN: Paar. NOW: AARP. THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine. NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine. THEN: Killer weed. NOW: Weed killer. THEN: Hoping for a BMW. NOW: Hoping for a BM. THEN: The Grateful Dead. NOW: Dr. Kevorkian. THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint. NOW: Getting a new hip joint. THEN: Rolling Stones. NOW: Kidney stones. THEN: Being called into the principal's office. NOW: Calling the principal's office. THEN: Screw the system! NOW: Upgrade the system. THEN: Peace sign. NOW: Mercedes logo. THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. THEN: Take acid. NOW: Take antacid. THEN: Passing the driver's test. NOW: Passing the vision test. THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter. NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag. THEN: "Whatever" NOW: "Depends" Provided by corsinet.com |
| A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord... So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen. Provided by corsinet.com |
| Things That Irritate a Sane Person A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio, but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. People behind you in a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. When you need a salesperson, you can never find one. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. Provided by corsinet.com |
| Signs You Are No Longer a Kid You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You answer a question with, "because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. Provided by corsinet.com |
| What Do You See, Nurse? --Author Unknown What do you see, nurse... what do you see? Are you thinking - when you look at me: "A crabbed old woman, not very wise; Uncertain of habit with far-away eyes, Who dribbles her food and makes no reply When you say in a loud voice 'I do wish you'd try.'" Who seems not to notice the things that you do And forever is losing a stocking or shoe; Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill. Is that what you're thinking, is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse. You're not looking at me! I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still. As I move at your bidding, eat at your will: - I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters who love one another; - A young girl of sixteen with wings on her feet, Dreaming that soon a love she'll meet; - A bride at twenty, my heart gives a leap, Remembering the vows that I promised to keep; - At twenty-five now I have young of my own Who need me to build a secure, happy home. - A woman of thirty, my young now grow fast. Bound together with ties that should last. - At forty, my young sons have grown up and gone, But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn; - At fifty once more babies play 'round my knee Again we know children, my loved ones and me... Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead. I look at the future, I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing young of their own, And I think of the years and the love that I've known. I'm an old woman now, and nature is cruel. 'Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool. The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart. There is a stone where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells, And now again my bittered heart swells; I remember the joys, I remember the pain and I'm loving and living life over again; I think of the years, all too few, gone too fast And accept the stark fact that nothing can last; So open your eyes, nurse, open and see... not a crabbed old woman. Look closer... see me! [NOTE: This poem was written by a woman who died in the geriatric ward of Ashludie Hospital near Dunde, England. It was found among her possessions and so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. Though it was addressed to the nurses who surrounded the woman in her last days, it cries for recognition of a common humanity...it could have been written to all of us.] |
| Funeral Etiquette Do's and Don'ts for Funerals Don't attend funerals of people you don't know. Don't try to outdo the family's grief. Don't use the occasion to "schmooze". Don't videotape the service. Don't ask for "just a peek-a-doodle" if it is a closed casket. Don't rate the funeral with a 1-10 rating scale in front of the family. Don't race the hearse to the cemetery. Do offer your help, but don't charge for it. Don't make statements like "something seems fishy to me" or "I hope they did an autopsy." Don't remark that the deceased looks "way better than they ever did" Don't sit in the front row of the church and lean over the seat to wave at everyone you know coming in. Do realize that the grieving family probably knows the deceased more than you do: especially if it is your neighbor or your friend's aunt. Don't approach the widow/widower and ask for the fifty dollars the deceased owed you. Don't make an offer to the widow/widower on the deceased clothes. Don't try to make the grieving family feel better by handing them a typewritten list of the deceased's faults. Don't climb on headstones to get a better view. Don't do impressions of the deceased. Don't ask about the "eats" the minute you arrive at the funeral home. Don't ask if there's any booze. Don't use the word "rooked" if a discussion of funeral expenses arises. Don't ask the widow/widower on a date at the funeral home. Don't tell everyone how much your flower arrangement cost and offer to show them the bill if they don't believe you. Don't remove anything from the coffin as a memento. Don't tell the grieving family "it could be worse" and then go into a long rambling story about the passing of your little dog Blue. Don't tell the relatives that this is the smallest funeral you've ever seen. Don't use a fake name like "I.P. Nightly" in the guest book. Don't offer to make a beer-run. Provided by corsinet.com |
| LOOKING GOOD My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on. |
| Foot Prints in the Sand Words by Mary Stevenson One night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, And across the sky flashed scenes of my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to me and the other belonging to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints.... I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you- you would walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you would leave me". The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you during the times of your trials and sufferings. When you saw only one set of footprints- It was then that I carried you". |
| Butt Prints in the Sand --Author Unknown One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?" Those prints are large and round and neat, "But Lord, they are too big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know, So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt," "Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand." |
| "Come Visit" - Author Unknown You say that you can't do anything. Can you read? Good. Read to me. My eyes aren't what they used to be. Can you write? Good. Write a letter or card for me. My hands are shaky. Can you sing? Good. Help me with the words and I'll sing along. Can you tell about your job? I was a nurse once, myself. Can you listen? Wonderful! I'm starved for conservation. Can you make a sponge cake or zucchini bread or angel biscuits or fudge? They aren't on the nursing home menu, but I remember how good they were and I would love to taste them again. Do you play checkers or dominoes or rummy? Fine, so do I. But there is never anyone who has the time. They are understaffed around here, you know. Do you play the violin or the flute or the piano? My hearing is poor, but I can hear any kind of music. Even if I fall asleep, you'll know I enjoyed it. Once we were somebody, just like you. We were farmers, and farmer's wives, teachers, nurses, beauticians, stockbrokers, electricians, bankers and sheriffs, and maybe a few outlaws, too. We're not all senile - just old and needing more attention than our families can give us. This home, whatever its name, is "home" to us, and you're an invited guest. Please come. The welcome mat is always out - not just on Thanksgiving. I hope you keep this and read it again in January, February, and every other month of the year. We'll still be here and our needs will be the same. **This was printed Sat, July 18, 1987 by Dear Abby. |
| You Know It Will Be a Bad Day When Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed. Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband. Your income tax refund check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any. You need one bathroom scale for each foot. You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes... and no one has touched it. Nothing you own is actually paid for. You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse. You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company. Airline food starts to taste good. Your mother approves of the person you are dating. Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD. You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box. Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer. Everyone loves your driver's license picture. You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours. Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you. The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money. People think you are 40...and you really are. You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed. Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself. Everyone is laughing but you. Provided by corsinet.com |
| Wrong e-mail Address A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: 16 May 2002 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here! |
| Love, Lust and Marriage Love: When you take a bubble bath together Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together Marriage: When you give the kids a bath Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go Love: Giving your love some candy Lust: Thinking you are the candy Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet Love: Sex every night Lust: Sex 5 times a night Marriage: What's sex? Love: A night out at the symphony Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice Love: French perfume Lust: Brut aftershave Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ." Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ." Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets Love: Talking and cuddling Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . . Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room Love: Long drives through the countryside Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat. Provided by corsinet.com |
| The Sin Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." |
| THE ACTIVITY DIRECTOR'S OFFICE Providing Internet Resources for Activity Professionals in Long Term Care Settings admin@theactivitydirectorsoffice.com Copyright 2004-Present The Activity Director's Office All Rights Reserved Disclaimer |
| MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS - If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. - I don't get even, I get odder. - I am having an out of money experience. - I am in shape. Round is a shape. - I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths. - Practice safe eating, always use condiments. - Anything free is worth what you pay for it. - Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - It hurts to be on the cutting edge. - If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. - If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor. - I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though. |